Its not like i woke up one day and wanted you.
it got to a point where part of me depended on you
You alleieved me of the aspects that haunted me most.
Whatever it was covered up the agony for a moment.
You were my escape from the reality of life.
It felt nice not to worry, and even if just for a moment the pain was gone.
Time would pass and the pain would weave its way back.
Capturing my thoughts, emotions and actions.
You dictated my days for the most part.
It wasn’t healthy, but you made me better.
Chemicals convey messages inside of me.
Ones i don’t understand nor would I be able to explain.
I thought the purpose of having you was so i didn’t feel the pain.
You were suppose to capture it all.
You know make me feel normal.
I guess thats apart of the issue.
We never truly understood NORMAL.
Normal is not easy.
Its not some fancy way of saying perfect.
Its not some disney fairytale.
And its certainly not the absence of pain.
If anything its the promise of hurt.
Its the guarantee of failure.
The loss of a loved one.
It is everything we don’t want, but everything we deserve.
This life sucks sometimes. Well most the time.
I rely on you, thinking it will all be gone.
Yet you find new ways to hurt me and bring me to the edge.
One slip of a foot and it is over. Sometimes it seems easier to jump.
But what good does that produce. Pieces of me found everywhere.
You haunt me. You hurt me.
Im not a super human able to carry the weight of the world.
I feel the pain and it drives me nuts; I do not want this.
Time to administer the morphine, because I’m done.
This world offers a variety of ways to hurt us. It honestly sucks, i get it people. You have all the reason to complain, to cry, to hurt. You see one thing we need to understand is that pain is inevitable. It haunts us and no matter how far we try to run from our issues it will find us. We can’t just forget these things and run away from hurt or life itself.
One of my favorite books of the Bible is a letter to the Corinthians.Paul writes a lot of good things, but something that has always stuck in head in times of pain is this in 2nd Corinthian 4: 16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
You see our problems outwardly kill us, but inside God is building inside of us something amazing we can not see. If your like me you hate not knowing what the future holds and it kills you. One things I’ve come to know is God is not going to give you more than you can handle. He remains faithful in the hurt, joy and everyday life. Find peace in his plan and know that he will be more than a pain killer, but a life giver. Its not easy and ill never tell you that a life with Jesus is. However i can promise a life with him is worth it.
A Man Chasing His Dreams