Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Pain Killer

Its not like i woke up one day and wanted you.
it got to a point where part of me depended on you
You alleieved me of the aspects that haunted me most.
It hurt for some days, but a small pill would subside it all.
Whatever it was covered up the agony for a moment.
You were my escape from the reality of life. 
It felt nice not to worry, and even if just for a moment the pain was gone.

Time would pass and the pain would weave its way back.
Capturing my thoughts, emotions and actions.
You dictated my days for the most part.
It wasn’t healthy, but you made me better.
Chemicals convey messages inside of me.
Ones i don’t understand nor would I be able to explain.

I thought the purpose of having you was so i didn’t feel the pain.
You were suppose to capture it all.
You know make me feel normal.
I guess thats apart of the issue.
We never truly understood NORMAL.

Normal is not easy.
Its not some fancy way of saying perfect.
Its not some disney fairytale.
And its certainly not the absence of pain.

If anything its the promise of hurt.
Its the guarantee of failure.
The loss of a loved one.
It is everything we don’t want, but everything we deserve.

This life sucks sometimes. Well most the time.
I rely on you, thinking it will all be gone.
Yet you find new ways to hurt me and bring me to the edge.

One slip of a foot and it is over. Sometimes it seems easier to jump.
But what good does that produce. Pieces of me found everywhere.
You haunt me. You hurt me. 
Im not a super human able to carry the weight of the world. 
I feel the pain and it drives me nuts; I do not want this.
Time to administer the morphine, because I’m done.

This world offers a variety of ways to hurt us. It honestly sucks, i get it people. You have all the reason to complain, to cry, to hurt. You see one thing we need to understand is that pain is inevitable. It haunts us and no matter how far we try to run from our issues it will find us. We can’t just forget these things and run away from hurt or life itself. 

One of my favorite books of the Bible is a letter to the Corinthians.Paul writes a lot of good things, but something that has always stuck in head in times of pain is this in 2nd Corinthian 4: 16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

You see our problems outwardly kill us, but inside God is building inside of us something amazing we can not see. If your like me you hate not knowing what the future holds and it kills you. One things I’ve come to know is God is not going to give you more than you can handle. He remains faithful in the hurt, joy and everyday life. Find peace in his plan and know that he will be more than a pain killer, but a life giver. Its not easy and ill never tell you that a life with Jesus is. However i can promise a life with him is worth it.

Signed by,
A Man Chasing His Dreams

Friday, March 20, 2015

The Same, But Different.

     Your smile represents a sense of euphoria, your frown a sense of melancholy. It may not be apparent, but sometimes our stars do align and if only for a moment we unite. Our breath both coincide with life and our time is limited. If there is something we have missed it is each other.  On one end life represent love from above and the alternative has no explanation of existence, but chance. I’m in no way saying that you have miscalculated. I would be lying if I didn’t admit to often questioning; if your answers were factual. It was here I learned that 2+2 is not the only way to come to 4. When our faiths collide it only begins to describe when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. Oh how we continue to disagree. I frequent the thought of your explanation never existing.  I guess it is needed and in this case,“ The enemy of my enemy is my friend”. Oh how we need one another. At some point we both asked, “ What time is it?” If no response was warranted we looked to the clock only to be given a tick and if we were lucky a tock. At that moment we looked deep into the hearts of each other and asked, “What if we are wrong?”
     Science aside your view on me is not pretty. I am rotten, untrustworthy and conceded.   Not to insult you, but your thought is about as accurate as the correlation to ice creams sales increasing murder rates. I’ am sure you know correlation does not equal causation. I could say my interpretation of you is defined by beauty, wisdom and grace. That would only be stretching the truth.  You do posses those characteristics, but often I see what you see in me.
     But if we could grasp theory of mind, we might understand that when cut we both bleed.  At the end of the day all we have left is hope. We may not fully understand each other’s, but when the day meets night we are dizygotic twins from the same creator. Whether it is chance or purpose, we need each other now more then ever. I guess all I am asking is that we try. Not to try to walk in each other’s shoes, but maybe take a walk together. Oh how similar we are.

Signed by,

A Man Chasing His Dreams

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

It's Days Like These

It’s days like these I feel helpless. I guess helpless is a bad word to use, but it is one that I often feel. Its not like I think that nobody can help, but I know deep down inside no one wants to. It’s days like these that I sit inside, look out the window only to find abandon streets. The water falls and the sky turns dark and there is nothing to do. It’s days like these that I wish I could go out and tell everybody how perfect they are, but I cant. I guess it is not that I can’t, but I simply wont. What is perfect? Its quite possible I’d just be lying anyway. It’s days like these that I finally start to realize how much I need you. You always seem so distant, but it is typically I who is distant from you. A sudden impact to my face might be the cure for that. It’s days like these that I wish I could go back and hold on a little tighter. I usually say I have lived my life with no regrets, but I have one. It’s days like these that I realized how much time I wasted looking at the clock instead of being in the moment. I know it seems like there is a lot time, but at any moment our hourglass could run out. It’s days like these that a fireplace reminds me of how burnt out I'am.  I know it seems like I do not have a lot going on. However right about now I really wish Aunt May would remind me, “ You do too much. You're not superman ya know”.  It’s days like these I critique myself more than ever.  The white hairs begin to appear and the waist seems a little bigger than two years ago. It’s days like these where I watch raindrops glide from the top of the window and come to a halt. Some stop before others, but I often wonder why. I guess that always seems to be the question. It's days like these.

Signed by,
A Man Chasing His Dreams