Pain Killer

Its not like i woke up one day and wanted you.

it got to a point where part of me depended on you

You alleieved me of the aspects that haunted me most.

It hurt for some days, but a small pill would subside it all.

Whatever it was covered up the agony for a moment.

You were my escape from the reality of life. 

It felt nice not to worry, and even if just for a moment the pain was gone.

Time would pass and the pain would weave its way back.

Capturing my thoughts, emotions and actions.

You dictated my days for the most part.

It wasn’t healthy, but you made me better.

Chemicals convey messages inside of me.

Ones i don’t understand nor would I be able to explain.

I thought the purpose of having you was so i didn’t feel the pain.

You were suppose to capture it all.

You know make me feel normal.

I guess thats apart of the issue.

We never truly understood NORMAL.

Normal is not easy.

Its not some fancy way of saying perfect.

Its not some disney fairytale.

And its certainly not the absence of pain.

If anything its the promise of hurt.

Its the guarantee of failure.

The loss of a loved one.

It is everything we don’t want, but everything we deserve.

This life sucks sometimes. Well most the time.

I rely on you, thinking it will all be gone.

Yet you find new ways to hurt me and bring me to the edge.

One slip of a foot and it is over. Sometimes it seems easier to jump.

But what good does that produce. Pieces of me found everywhere.

You haunt me. You hurt me. 

Im not a super human able to carry the weight of the world. 

I feel the pain and it drives me nuts; I do not want this.

Time to administer the morphine, because I’m done.

This world offers a variety of ways to hurt us. It honestly sucks, i get it people. You have all the reason to complain, to cry, to hurt. You see one thing we need to understand is that pain is inevitable. It haunts us and no matter how far we try to run from our issues it will find us. We can’t just forget these things and run away from hurt or life itself. 

One of my favorite books of the Bible is a letter to the Corinthians.Paul writes a lot of good things, but something that has always stuck in head in times of pain is this in 2nd Corinthian 4: 16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

You see our problems outwardly kill us, but inside God is building inside of us something amazing we can not see. If your like me you hate not knowing what the future holds and it kills you. One things I’ve come to know is God is not going to give you more than you can handle. He remains faithful in the hurt, joy and everyday life. Find peace in his plan and know that he will be more than a pain killer, but a life giver. Its not easy and ill never tell you that a life with Jesus is. However i can promise a life with him is worth it.

Signed by,

A Man Chasing His Dreams

The Same, But Different.

     Your smile represents a sense of euphoria, your frown a sense of melancholy. It may not be apparent, but sometimes our stars do align and if only for a moment we unite. Our breath both coincide with life and our time is limited. If there is something we have missed it is each other.  On one end life represent love from above and the alternative has no explanation of existence, but chance. I’m in no way saying that you have miscalculated. I would be lying if I didn’t admit to often questioning; if your answers were factual. It was here I learned that 2+2 is not the only way to come to 4. When our faiths collide it only begins to describe when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. Oh how we continue to disagree. I frequent the thought of your explanation never existing.  I guess it is needed and in this case,“ The enemy of my enemy is my friend”. Oh how we need one another. At some point we both asked, “ What time is it?” If no response was warranted we looked to the clock only to be given a tick and if we were lucky a tock. At that moment we looked deep into the hearts of each other and asked, “What if we are wrong?”

     Science aside your view on me is not pretty. I am rotten, untrustworthy and conceded.   Not to insult you, but your thought is about as accurate as the correlation to ice creams sales increasing murder rates. I’ am sure you know correlation does not equal causation. I could say my interpretation of you is defined by beauty, wisdom and grace. That would only be stretching the truth.  You do posses those characteristics, but often I see what you see in me.

     But if we could grasp theory of mind, we might understand that when cut we both bleed.  At the end of the day all we have left is hope. We may not fully understand each other’s, but when the day meets night we are dizygotic twins from the same creator. Whether it is chance or purpose, we need each other now more then ever. I guess all I am asking is that we try. Not to try to walk in each other’s shoes, but maybe take a walk together. Oh how similar we are.

Signed by,

A Man Chasing His Dreams

It's Days Like These

It’s days like these I feel helpless. I guess helpless is a bad word to use, but it is one that I often feel. Its not like I think that nobody can help, but I know deep down inside no one wants to. It’s days like these that I sit inside, look out the window only to find abandon streets. The water falls and the sky turns dark and there is nothing to do. It’s days like these that I wish I could go out and tell everybody how perfect they are, but I cant. I guess it is not that I can’t, but I simply wont. What is perfect? Its quite possible I’d just be lying anyway. It’s days like these that I finally start to realize how much I need you. You always seem so distant, but it is typically I who is distant from you. A sudden impact to my face might be the cure for that. It’s days like these that I wish I could go back and hold on a little tighter. I usually say I have lived my life with no regrets, but I have one. It’s days like these that I realized how much time I wasted looking at the clock instead of being in the moment. I know it seems like there is a lot time, but at any moment our hourglass could run out. It’s days like these that a fireplace reminds me of how burnt out I'am.  I know it seems like I do not have a lot going on. However right about now I really wish Aunt May would remind me, “ You do too much. You're not superman ya know”.  It’s days like these I critique myself more than ever.  The white hairs begin to appear and the waist seems a little bigger than two years ago. It’s days like these where I watch raindrops glide from the top of the window and come to a halt. Some stop before others, but I often wonder why. I guess that always seems to be the question. It's days like these.

Signed by,

A Man Chasing His Dreams

Monsters

     

     It was always a mystery. You see I knew every night that I went to sleep you were there. You disguised yourself as toys, as clothes as whatever you wanted to be. You were the reason I couldn’t sleep till my mom came in and said goodnight. Its not like she knew it, but deep down inside I felt safe. Its like those words broke down any wall that could keep me contained. It was a simple gesture and really something I looked forward to. I guess I really just needed assurance. You know hours go by and day turns to night, but through out that day we feel a lot of things. We feel sad. We feel hurt. We feel lost. We feel mislead. We feel used. We feel mistreated. We feel abandoned. We feel worthless. We feel stupid. We feel abused. We feel powerless.  The list really could go on forever. I have no evidence of this being true, but I honestly believe that about 1% of the day we feel happy. For a good portion of my life the only time I felt that 1% was before I went to bed.  You were the monster that kept me from a state of REM. You were the monster that needed to be looked for before I went to bed. You were creative and extremely confusing.  You brought fear upon me, but you never seemed to actually harm me. But for some strange reason I was convinced that you were made to destroy me. I was convinced the only purpose you served was to grab me by my foot and drag me under the bed where I would be reduced into nothing. I never wanted to tell anybody, but you frightened me. Truth is I couldn’t tell any one because it just seemed silly. Its weird because I knew there was nothing you could do to me, well nothing that could ruin me

     I firmly believe there is something we all fear a little too much. For each of us something has really dug deep into our skin. We are convinced that it is going to destroy us and we end up a bit paranoid. For some reason it has a lot of power over us. What has power over you? Does it really have the ability to harm you? The monster under the bed doesn’t exist.

Signed by,
A Man Chasing His Dreams

My Cup of Joe.

The taste you provided was nice. It was something that quenched my thirst for a moment. Not only that you seemed to provide me this false perception of being awake. I never really considered you an addiction; it was more of an appreciation. But I guess that’s a lie we all tell ourselves. Or is it, did I really appreciate what you did for me. For a moment I felt revived, a sense of hope was all I needed, but that was far from achievable. After awhile I started to become used to you. I depended on what you would give, but in reality I received nothing worth mentioning. In fact I wanted no body to know how much I depended on you. I am kind of known as an independent thinker and would not want me depending on you to ruin that. Now that I think about it, you actually ruin all of me. You taste good, but make me feel so disgusting after. You made me believe that with out you I could not function through out the day. I always wanted more of you, but too much and I could crash. You see you are the very reason I cannot sleep at night. But just like any bad cup of coffee I could modify you into what flavor I want. If I added a little bit of sugar you tasted a little sweeter. A little creamer and the bitterness was gone. It was an easy way of disguising the bad taste you left in my mouth with out all that extra stuff.  You were my cup of Joe.

I believe in life we all have something we depend a little too much on. Deep down inside we know there is something that has a little too much control over us. It is not always the case that we feel disgusting after, but come on there is something we want to change.

Do not get me wrong I am a big fan of the things we have been blessed with in this world, but have you ever stopped to think of what value many of these things produce in your life? If you are being honest with yourself than you realize they produce no value to you. And really have no worth in your life.

 In the book of John we see this scripture 1 John 2:15-17

“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever”.

For each of us these very things may differ, but deep down we know there is something we need to let go of. There is something holding us back from the truth. Something that’s not letting us reach our potential. What is your cup of Joe?

Signed By,

A Man Chasing His Dreams

Understanding The Canvas

Its kind of crazy; at one moment you were just a blank canvas. You looked like you produced no value and millions of people could walk by and never acknowledge that you existed. I’m sure it was painful to be ignored, but that’s life and it happens to all of us. It’s actually quite sad, in reality we all really just want to be noticed. Even if it’s just for a moment, it feels nice and that feeling is hard to come by. We live in a world where pain is routine and happiness is a miracle. As the years went by moments of happiness would come and shortly later replaced with scars of distress. These moments shaped you and truth is no really took the time to get to know you. You sat down at places hoping someone might ask how you were doing. That way you could actually tell the truth. But you also knew if anyone actually asked you, they didn’t really care to know. All you really needed was a minute to talk; to have relationship with a person. But I guess these days it is rare.  Rare to find some who cares, someone who loves, and someone who gets it. Even your friends and family will let you down. It sucks, but for some reason you of all people needed to find that out the hard way. It’s weird though you seemed like such a good person. The first thing I think of when I hear trouble most certainly was not you. But for some reason you felt bad luck followed you everywhere you went. I always wanted to say something to you, but I often let my new friends decide if I would or not. You see I knew deep down inside you might want to talk to me. You didn’t need to say anything for me to get it. But there was something really weird about you, its like you watched everyone all the time. I remember one day I was at my locker and you were sitting there and I simply said, “What’s up dude” you didn’t really reply, but the smile on your face showed a glimpse of hope. I still see it and often wonder if I would have stuck around for a little bit longer if you’d be here. Maybe if I didn’t decide to leave you freshman year and hangout with new people things would be different. Its awkward and even years later I still question it all. Life takes some crazy turns, but im not sure you had to do that. Then again, I guess I didn’t really understand you. I guess it took something like this for me to see that you weren’t just a blank canvas. You were a work of art just waiting to be displayed for the world to see. You had an amazing story and heart filled with love. But just like everyone else who doesn’t appreciate art i would walk by and ignore everything you represented.

I remember my first time going to an art museum. The only real reason I was there was to get extra credit for a class. But I had to be there for an hour and check in with my teacher. I walked around the entire place looking at the clock every chance I got hoping it was time to go. Not once did I stop to look at a picture or sculpture and try to understand it. I would just walk by and ignore it all. You see what I didn’t realize then was how much thought was put into those pieces. How much time was taken to create them or even how much value they actually have.

I want to encourage you take a moment of your life and care for someone. You see it’s to often in life that we ignore. Whether we want to believe it or not a lot of the hurt that exist here today is because of us. The lack of love that exists is crazy. I actually don’t understand it at all. Its weird because all of us are just searching for the same thing. We just want to feel wanted, loved, needed, missed, pursued and many other things. But oddly enough we are to eager to walk away instead of giving that away to people.

Whether you believe in Jesus or not hear me out. You see he was a different man. Someone I like to mirror myself after. He literally just loved people. He looked at them as people of worth. He understood what value they produced and how beautiful they are. He was just a solid friend.  He lived life and just loved people the best he could. So my challenge to you is to do just that. Be relational with people step out of your circle and meet someone new. Get to know a stranger. Imagine if we all actually cared about one another. Recognize the beauty we all produce. Don’t just walk by without a care in the world. Take a second and think about the value in front of you. “The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance”- Aristotle

Signed By,

 A Man Chasing His Dreams

My Masquerade

You are cordially invited to My Masquerade.

Who are you? For long you were the only one who knew me. The one who understood everything about me. You knew just the right amount of milk I liked in my cereal and you understood that I did not like to be bugged when my alarm went off. You are the only one I wanted to be around and frankly the only one I thought wanted to be around me. You were at all my hockey games in fact you were my biggest fan. You came to all my practices even when you didn’t want to be there. You were there the days I was sick and the days I was hurt. You never really said much, but I knew you would listen to whatever dumb story I might tell. Something happened though. You started finding new people and abandoning me. You lost site of who I was and everything I had done.  At school you were one person, but outside you were completely different. You began wearing a mask for every occasion: church, school, sports and even home. Its like each part of the day was different: you needed to perform, to disguise, to entertain and to protect yourself. I think the hardest part was seeing it happen to you when no one else even knew. It is like you cared so much to be the best, but not to be yourself. You got to a point when it seemed like you had it all. Then each night the moon went down the lights inside turned off and you felt like you accomplished nothing. Sure you weren’t the best at school, but everything else worked well for you. You had nice clothes a pretty girlfriend and more friends then you could count. Your life would make a great TV show, well because you are just the person everyone wants be. You had joy, faith, promise and hope. But then again those were just mask. No one truly knew who you were. Maybe that’s why you liked Batman so much. I mean he did have a really cool mask, that’s kind of something you aspired to have. Mystery was kind of cool to you, but I don’t think you ever imagined it would end like this. This was a tale of hope where the hero also became the villain. But really who are you? Wait; do I even want to know? This answer could destroy me. I could lose the only person I ever cared about. The only one who knew me, my biggest fan. You know what just tell me. Let me have it. HELLO, are you going to tell me? Why aren’t you responding to me? Okay honestly what’s the deal? Come on, I can see you. Take off that mask and answer me. Why did you do it? Why did you leave me? Okay cool you are not going to answer me. Well fine, ill take of the mask for you. Who is the masked man? The answer is ME.

This may come off as repetitive and similar to my pervious post in terms of identity. However I feel this is important and something we need to dig deeper into. In the book of Jeremiah God tells Jeremiah to go down to the potters’ house and he will give him a message. There he sees the potter working at his wheel. At that point he witnesses something, “ But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him”. I take this as a reference because I often feel in times of trouble we begin to worry. You may or may not see it this way, but worries often stray us from reality. The marred jar seems like it has no hope and we do the same in times of conflict. We put on mask and pretend that everything’s great, when in reality we are slowly breaking and at any moment we will shatter. Someone can come up to us and ask us how our day has gone and our immediate response is, not to bad. It changes who we are and what we have become.  You see in my story I never mention anything specific being the cause of my change. It is because for so long I masked the very identity I was given in order to be who you wanted me to be. Who my coach wanted me to be. Who my friends wanted me to be. Who my parents wanted me to be. What the world wanted me to be. I often think we lose site of who we were made to be. We are Independent thinkers and creative engineers.  You know people of worth. It is actually quite confusing how we have let people shape us so easily.  I’ am currently reading a book called The Artisan Soul by Erwin McManus and he describes, “Sometimes the hand of God presses us and creates unwanted discomfort”. I Believe instead of worrying about it we should trust that the creator would finish his masterpieces.

Erwin McManus, briefly talks about artisan bread and what it takes to make such a bread. What makes artisan bread uniquely different from factory made bread is that no piece will ever look the same. I feel like often we resort to all being made from a factory. None quite different from each other except for our expiration date. God made each and every one us to be different. Used for different purposes and to ultimately be our selves and nothing else.  Just like artisan bread you were made in such a way to never look the same or be what society tells you to be.

Just like the clay jar will become marred, you to will face times of discomfort and probably be unsure of the finished product, but I firmly believe that you will do amazing things and you were made for a purpose even through those weird awkward times. This may seem out of context, but it’s a revelation that sparked in my heart through reading. Here God is talking to Israel, noting that he has the authority and power to create, as he must. I think that makes sense and ultimately its how life works. We cannot control the bumps, but we can control how we react. If we worry, we hurt. If we don’t allow these worthless worries to burden us we see the good.

 I guess the reason I feel so strongly about this is because I too needed to realize I have been made to not just dream, but be active. Not to worry about small cracks on the outside. I was made for so much more. Its possible the very reason we wear these mask is because we allow other to dream for us. Maybe schools not really your thing, but it is your parents. The activities we do begin to shape us and when we become a bit marred we put on a mask and act like it never happened. We lose a little of our self each day. I believe we need to hurt. Yeah it sucks, but it produces something that makes it feel all that much greater in the end.

Erwin McManus said, “ To pursue a dream, is to invite a nightmare”.  When we dream we forget that there will be bumps and bruises. We try to avoid the hurt, so our dreams are hidden. This day in age it seems like at birth we are given a sleep therapy mask, which we never take off. So our dreams never become a reality. Maybe its time you take off your mask.

My Masquerade has been cancelled.

*inspired by The Artisan Soul

Signed By,

 A Man Chasing His Dreams